Severe Intentions of Jonathan Grave

Step inside the mind of Jonathan Grave. He was born in a very dull day. Son of an alcoholic father, never felt the hands of his mother. No one can recall anything extraordinary about his presense during his childhood and young adult days.An invisible being breathing amongst people. It will appear to be hard to believe in such a story but indeed some woman tried to sit down at that bus to Birmingham from London which is of course very natural to have a seat but Jonathan was already sitting in that particular seat. He was invisible to the bone. Anyway, everything has changed. The way he was, the appeareance he had, the words he spoke, the path he chose; everything…

The Thursday came in a sunny mood. His window was open and the rays of sunlight woke him up like a lover. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror after a hot shower. The face was neat and sharp. The face was smooth like silk. The face was clever and charming. He gazed, tried to figure out this new guy. The muscles joined the scene. The shoulders and that stomach puzzled his mind. And the uneaten finger nails made him think that his soul was captured by another body. A real misery for an accountant , living zero adventure..

The wardrope was full of elegant and expensive suits. He wore Brioni Vanquish II, looked sharp as a knife in that soft and light tailoring. He put on leather derby brogues by Burberry, the best workhorse shoes. Final comb motion and there he was ready to face the world.

He wanted to take his ordinary watch which his grandad gave him in his sixteenth birthday. It was his custom behaviour to take off the watch and leave it on the kitchen counter. The door of the kitchen was moving back and forth. Creepy feelings covered his body as the dark liquid struck his sight. Tip toe to his kitchen and he found out… It was the watch laying on the floor, bleeding to death violantly. The watch cried his name, called him a murderer. All the time was devoured…

Doris Lessing-The Golden Notebook

Imagine you are breathing deeply ,under a blue sky on the grass. Your besties around you, telling their secrets to each other. Noone’s ashamed of who they truely are. You are not disgusted by the ants or any other insect , you let them explore you, perhaphs sometimes they bite you…And of course you are one of a kind woman.As the cool breeze you feel makes you sleepy, you are getting in a way of a dear journey of dreams. 

I felt this way as I was reading The Golden Notebook for the first time. It was the summer of 1999. To be a woman or to feel like a woman was like a far away country within me by that time and The Golden Notebook changed it forever.

“Sometimes I dislike women, I dislike us all, because of our capacity for not-thinking when it suits us; we choose not to think when we are reaching our for happiness.” 

At first, these words didn’t make sense. At first it was just a good written book, nothing more. But the following year , the book called me again. And then it became a ritual to visit the book every year for me. And then the words became clearer and more understandable. I was growing , my dreams were getting bigger and I was asking more of the world. But my reality was being great contrast to what I needed. So dissapointment was learnt in time. And The Golden Notebook turned into my inner voice in time.

“Because I was permanently confused, dissatisfied, unhappy, tormented by inadequacy, driven by wanting towards every kind of impossible future, the attitude of mind described by ‘tolerantly amused eyes’ was years away from me. I don’t think I really saw people then, except as appendages to my needs. It’s only now, looking back, that I understood, but at the time I lived in a brilliantly lit haze, shifting and flickering according to my changing desires. Of course, that is only a description of being young.”

Such a vocabulary. Hope it can impress someone else like it impressed me…