Imagine you are breathing deeply ,under a blue sky on the grass. Your besties around you, telling their secrets to each other. Noone’s ashamed of who they truely are. You are not disgusted by the ants or any other insect , you let them explore you, perhaphs sometimes they bite you…And of course you are one of a kind woman.As the cool breeze makes you feel sleepy, you are getting in a way of a dear journey of dreams.
I felt this way as I was reading The Golden Notebook for the first time. It was the summer of 1999. To be a woman or to feel like a woman was like a far away country within me by that time and The Golden Notebook changed it forever.
“Sometimes I dislike women, I dislike us all, because of our capacity for not-thinking when it suits us; we choose not to think when we are reaching our for happiness.”
At first, these words didn’t make sense. At first it was just a good written book, nothing more. But the following year , the book called me again. And then it became a ritual to visit the book every year for me. And then the words became clearer and more understandable. I was growing , my dreams were getting bigger and I was asking more of the world. But my reality was in great contrast to what I needed. So dissapointment was learnt in time. And The Golden Notebook turned into my inner voice in time.
“Because I was permanently confused, dissatisfied, unhappy, tormented by inadequacy, driven by wanting towards every kind of impossible future, the attitude of mind described by ‘tolerantly amused eyes’ was years away from me. I don’t think I really saw people then, except as appendages to my needs. It’s only now, looking back, that I understood, but at the time I lived in a brilliantly lit haze, shifting and flickering according to my changing desires. Of course, that is only a description of being young.”
Such a vocabulary. Hope it can impress someone else like it impressed me…